Well I had my first experience of the (now) notorious Terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport yesterday.

Let me just say it lived up to it’s reputation!

It’s a truly spectacular building - huge, open and airy, everything in the right place - just that most of the stuff just doesn’t work!

The initial problems may have been down to shoddy management and kit but the problem now is definitely the surly, unhappy staff who treat their customers with open contempt.

I didn’t hang about on the way in, but on the way back I had a couple of hours to wander about this temple to consumerism. Five floors of tat and “Duty Free” with aggressive sales people who seem to accost you at every stop.

I almost strung a notice round my neck saying; “It’s OK, I’m just looking” after I’d had to fend off one after the other for about half an hour. Poor bastards are probably paid minimum wage and have to earn the rest in commissions. As the Terminal is hardly at capacity they’re probably making fuck all!

I decided to find something to eat but all I could see was Gordon Ramsay’s Plane Food - Oh how I laughed at the witty name - Oh how I cried when I saw the Arty Farty menu and the fucking ridiculous prices!

I just wanted a burger not a fucking “gourmet” meal.

Needless to say it was deserted as I suspect most of the people there were as reluctant as I was to shell out £40-£50 for a “meal”. If I want to eat posh food I won’t be going to Terminal 5 to find it.

It’s amazing, they’ve managed to make a place where you can pay through the nose to be ripped off and humiliated (more of this later) at the same time. Fuckwits.

Of course the place was swarming with the usual twats in suits waving their blackberrys about and trying to look important. What is it about airports? They always seem to be arsehole magnets.

Anyway, time to get to departures. Up to the desk where my photo was taken sans glasses. Onward to security. I take off my jacket and put it in the scanner tray, like a good boy, and the bored security guy snaps “Shoes!” at me. I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about so I just gave him a quizical look. “Shoes!” he snaps again, “take them off”. Oh, OK why didn’t you just fucking ask in the first place you monosyllabic moron?

I wander through the arch scanner in my socks only to be stopped by an equally bored “security operative” for a frisking. OK, I don’t mind, after all these nasty terrorists are after us, until he barks, “Belt!”. Again I look vacantly at him while it dawns on me that he wants me to take the belt off my trousers! WTF! So he has a good fumble round the top of me breeks and waves me on without another word.

How this is reducing my risk of being blown to kingdom come by a terrorist I’m not sure. I’m more scared of the freaky cops with fuckoff big guns wandering around looking tough and serious.

Lighten up folks - treating us all as potential terrorists is just plain stupid.

So there I am in my socks with the top of my trousers open trying to hold onto the book I was carrying. Thank God I didn’t have any luggage!

This is what we’ve come to. Treated like sheep and humiliated by morons who know that if you dare to make any objection you’ll have half a dozen over-zealous armed police sitting on your chest in 10 seconds flat.

At last, onto the plane and let’s get to fuck out of here. We sit down and I unfold the newspaper. “Welcome on board, ladies and gentlemen. Good news, no air traffic problems. We should be up and away in 10 minutes.”

20 minutes later the captain comes on to apologise, “Sorry L&G, we can’t find the tractor driver to push us back. We’re trying to find another, I’ll keep you posted.” I had to have a little giggle.

20 minutes later the captain comes on to apologise, “Sorry L&G, our computer has crashed (bad choice of words), but it’s not a problem, happens all the time, we just need an engineer to reboot and we’ll get on our way.”

10 minutes later the captain comes on to apologise, “Well, the computer is fixed and we’ve found the tractor driver but unfortunately we can’t find the guy to pull the gantry back from the plane. I’ve been assured that one is on the way as I speak.”

The giggle is rapidly turning into a hysterical scream.

It was surreal, sitting surrounded by about 50 Japanese pensioners who obviously didn’t have a clue what was going on. Much animated Japanese chatter and glassy vacant looks. Of course the BA cabin crew treated them with the contempt we’ve all got used to.

I thought it was hilarious when the pompous woman came on the tannoy and introduced herself as the “Cabin Services Director” aka head waitress. Can you imagine the guy who trundles the trolley up the train being referred to as the “Carriage Services Director”? Shit, he probably is!

At last we push back…
… into a fucking queue of planes waiting to take off.

Fuck this, it’s just not worth it. I eventually get home 2 hours later than anticipated and I, well my employer, paid £341 for the privilege - that and the £15 it cost to leave my car at the airport for the day.

Think I’ll try the train next time…

…maybe not, the rail service is as bad if not worse!

Well, another charity telethon. Another opportunity to use the ultimate in emotional blackmail.

I believe in charity. I think we should all be charitable. I just don’t get the format. A bunch of Z list celebrities give us “entertainment” in return for a donation but every 10 minutes or so we are shown a video of something traumatic. It just doesn’t work for me.

If you really care about the 3rd world and the poor and disadvantaged then campaign against their corrupt governments - and against OUR corrupt government. I don’t need to be shown the symptoms of corruption - I need to see our leaders do something about it.

It makes me sick watching the likes of Davina McCall presenting the dire situation of people in the world in an entertainment format. It’s not right.

Charity is a positive human attribute but charity should be exercised for a good reason and without need for public acclaim. I admire those who give without need for publicity and I despise those who associate themselves with this type of fundraising.

Maybe I’m wrong but please give anyway.

Not happy with banning smoking in pubs (on the bogus passive smoking ticket), the NannyNazis have now turned their attention to the efforts of publicans to make the ordeal of having a fag a little more comfortable by branding patio heaters as the next huge environmental disaster.

Personally I think these heaters are just fucking daft - trying to heat up OUTDOORS seems to me a bit like farting against thunder - it ain’t going to work very well! I’d rather be sitting in front of a roaring fire in my pub having a pint and a smoke in peace.

However, I don’t buy the whole “global warming” panic - our climate has fluctuated throughout history and to be quite honest I wouldn’t mind it being a bit warmer here in Bonny Scotland. Second, it’s estimated that the TOTAL contribution to UK carbon emissions made by ALL patio heaters is 0.002%!!

Are we all really so fucking stupid? Why do we listen to this utter shite?

Anyway, sorry for being away so long - my January depression spilled over into February! To be honest there were so many things that incensed me lately I lost the will to rant. I am however raising a head of steam and will have to get on and do some serious slagging soon.

What a fucking scandal! - you mean they’re not already barred from the NHS?

Good God, I think I’m a compassionate person but it beggars belief that we’re all paying tax so that ILLEGAL immigrants can use OUR health service.

They should be tracked down and deported BEFORE they have any chance to use the NHS. And how exactly do they get to use it in the absence of a National Insurance number?

I once asked if I could have a check up and the GP told me to go and apply for insurance or pay!!

Sorry, I forgot, I’m not a woman, an illegal immigrant, an asylum seeker or a benefit junkie so I don’t matter.

Illegal Immigrants May Be Barred From NHS Services |Sky News|Politics

OK it’s time to stop squandering our aid budget on countries like this. Not only do they kill millions of their own but they are completely lacking in any gratitute towards the people who keep them from starving.

Can anyone make any sense of the furore caused by this completely innocent woman’s actions?

We keep getting told what a noble and peaceful religion Islam is but how can we believe it when people in a country that would starve without our help demand that a 54 year old woman should be flogged or even executed for allowing her class to name a Teddy Bear?

I’m glad to see that the Muslim community in our own country are as disgusted as the rest of the population.

I’ve never believed that this kind of mad extremism has anything to do with Islam - it’s cultural, not religious.

Funny how they hate infidels so much but are quite happy to take our dirty infidel money - half a BILLION pounds to date. Think what that amount of money would do for our own poor and old who suffer badly under this NuLabour so-called socialist rag-bag “government”. Perhaps they’re hoping for a “loan” from some Sudanese millionaire! You know, we give them money and then they give it back through a proxy to fund Gordon’s dream.

Well I for one will never again contribute to any appeal for “crisis” donations for Sudan. It seems to be a never ending crisis - year on year we suffer emotional blackmail as we’re shown pictures of poor, starving children. Well enough is enough.

Why don’t they appeal to their brothers in Saudi Arabia for funding? They’ve got plenty dosh, you’d think they’d be happy to fund another extremist country like their own. They could use the money to build special stoning pits and decapitation suites.

Anyway, I hope this poor woman gets out of there ASAP and I hope others who were considering going there to help out this sad country will think again and go somewhere where their assistance will be appreciated.

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Sudan demo over jailed UK teacher