I’ve been sitting here waiting to be told who I have to support in the World Cup Final but nobody has let me know yet.

I’m a bit worried that I’ll offend someone by supporting the wrong team and I fully expected the Daily Mail at least to have let me know by now. After all the Engerlish got jolly well upset when I didn’t support them when they had insisted I should.

Anyway, I think I’ll risk it and go for France, you know, Auld Alliance and all that!

So, the Ministry of Silly Statistics and General Bullshit (AKA visitscotland) are very worried that Scottish Tourism will suffer due to a lack of English visitors this Summer. They reckon that 50p in every tourist £ is spent by the English in Scotland. How the fuck do they know that? No doubt they spent a huge amount of that money trying to find out!

Apparently the English are all dreadfully offended that we Scots are not wholeheartedly behind their lads in Germany! One company has even cancelled a convention booking in Carnoustie because our First Minister made it clear that he would not be supporting England during the World Cup. How dare he!

I know the man is a dick but on this occasion he got it just right (for a change). Why should we support this overblown bunch of “celebrities”? Why shouldn’t we support Trinidad & Tobago? They’ve got 6 players who make their living in Scottish Football so I think it’s a natural choice to support them.

So if you are one of the highly offended Engerlish tourists I would advise you to go somewhere nice like France for your hols. They love you there as much as we do. Oh yes, and while you’re at it FUCKING GROW UP!

And if you’re not…
…Ceud Mile Failte!

…A Hundred Thousand Welcomes!

(And I know I promised not to mention football - I lied)

I promise not to mention football again until after the World Cup!

I’ve just heard the biggest pile of utter, utter shite on Sky News.

“Beckham raises the flag, just like the millions of flags fluttering over England, as the squad arrives on German soil…”

On German soil for fuck’s sake!
IT IS A FUCKING GAME - NOT A HOLY WAR!!
(Oops, didn’t mean to mention the war)

Then we get the Engerland Squad as characters in The Last Supper! Beckham is God! Oh well, I suppose they weren’t stupid enough to pretend to be the major character in any other religion. Whatever happened to multiculturalism?

Honestly, the fucking football hasn’t even started and its impossible to escape the Engerland hype. Every product you buy has some kind of lame World Cup promotion or other.

So I think all sensible people should boycott all products with a World Cup promotion - mind you, you’d probably go hungry till July!

So the great Jimmy Hill thinks the Scots should support Engerland in the World Cup just because we were on the same side during WWII and we’re neighbours (note the correct spelling US readers!).

We’re in trouble if that’s to be the tone coming from commentators…

…whatever happened to “Don’t mention the war”?

Well I for one will never support England at football - it’s genetically programmed!

It has been pointed out that, if the principle of supporting your nearest team geographically is adopted, the English will be supporting France if they get knocked out early - beginning to get the picture? That’s about as likely as the Scots supporting Engerland!

Personally, I don’t really give a fuck - I don’t like football much and the absence of Scotland makes the whole tournament a bit pointless for me.

So, I’ll probably be forced to watch a couple of games as the media go bananas over the Summer, but for me the Summer will be The Who at T in the Park!

Oh for fuck’s sake, gie’s a break!

So Wayne Rooney has hurt his ickle foot and now all the Engerland fans are topping themselves because they don’t think they have a chance in the World Cup without him.

Now don’t get me wrong, I wish the laddie well and I hope he makes a full recovery but if the Engerland team depend so much on one player then they’d best give up now.

The others in the squad must feel great that they are seen to be so insignificant. I always thought Football was a TEAM game but obviously not!

And yes America WE play Football and you play a funny game you call Football even though only one guy actually does any kicking.