WTF!!??

Suppose this would look a little weird if displayed in the Crematorium

BBC NEWS | Scotland | North East/N Isles | Fire at city crematorium tackled

…or is it Saturnalia, or Yule, or Natalis Solis Invicti.

So the Christians appropriate a pagan festival and tell us we should remember “the real meaning” of Christmas!

Well, I do remember that all the original winter solstice festivals were about getting pissed out of your head and eating as much as possible with a bit of hankie-pankie thrown in for good measure, and I’m all for that!

Much drinking, eating and fun ahead and no, not in the name of Jesus but in the name of Mother Nature and the rebirth of the Sun for another year after the Winter solstice.

And then the “real” celebration for we Scots - New Year! When I was a laddie it used to go on for about 5 days - we Highlanders know how to party!

BBC NEWS Backside firework prank backfires

Sorry, after all my ranting about fireworks you’ve just got to laugh at this one!

WHAT A FUCKING DORK!

He sticks a rocket up his arse and tries to launch it. I can’t believe there are really people this fucking stupid around. How the hell did he manage to reach the age of 22?

I know he must be suffering but really it’s just too funny not to share.

I remember when Halloween was fun!

We used to get dressed up and go “Guising” with our neepy lanterns (NOT fucking pumpkins!). The deal was that you did your party-piece in return for a handful of peanuts or a scabby apple. If you were really lucky you got a couple of pennies or a sweetie!

Please don’t confuse this with the odious “Trick or Treat” shite that’s been imported from the US - we’ve been Guising for centuries without the nastiness!

And so we saved up to buy our fireworks for Guy Fawkes Night.

Now it’s just another reason for the SuperMarkets to make a few more bob from us - I feel sorry for kids today, they miss out on all the real fun - making your costume and lantern…

…Mum just goes to the supermarket and buys the lot!

Oh well, happy days!

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new “Drive Thru” Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

• Drive up to the cash machine
• Wind down your car window
• Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
• Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
• Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
• Wind up window
• Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

• Drive up to the cash machine
• Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
• Re-start the stalled engine
• Wind down the window
• Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
• Turn the radio down
• Attempt to insert card into machine
• Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
• Insert card
• Re-insert card the right way up
• Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
• Enter PIN
• Press “cancel”, and re-enter correct PIN
• Enter amount of cash required
• Check make-up in rear view mirror
• Retrieve cash and receipt
• Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
• Place receipt in back of chequebook
• Re-check make-up
• Drive forward 2 metres
• Reverse back to cash machine
• Retrieve card
• Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
• Restart stalled engine and pull off
• Drive for 2 to 3 miles
• Release handbrake.