The Anti Arty Farty Party

9Nov/060

Rocket Up His Arse!

BBC NEWS Backside firework prank backfires

Sorry, after all my ranting about fireworks you’ve just got to laugh at this one!

WHAT A FUCKING DORK!

He sticks a rocket up his arse and tries to launch it. I can’t believe there are really people this fucking stupid around. How the hell did he manage to reach the age of 22?

I know he must be suffering but really it’s just too funny not to share.

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31Oct/060

We used to get dressed up and go “Guising” with our neepy lanterns (NOT fucking pumpkins!). The deal was that you did your party-piece in return for a handful of peanuts or a scabby apple. If you were really lucky you got a couple of pennies or a sweetie!

Please don’t confuse this with the odious “Trick or Treat” shite that’s been imported from the US — we’ve been Guising for centuries without the nastiness!

And so we saved up to buy our fireworks for Guy Fawkes Night.

Now it’s just another reason for the SuperMarkets to make a few more bob from us — I feel sorry for kids today, they miss out on all the real fun — making your costume and lantern…

…Mum just goes to the supermarket and buys the lot!

Oh well, happy days!

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22Apr/060

It’s a larf!

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new “Drive Thru” Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

Drive up to the cash machine
Wind down your car window
Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
Wind up window
Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

Drive up to the cash machine
Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
Re-start the stalled engine
Wind down the window
Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
Turn the radio down
Attempt to insert card into machine
Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
Insert card
Re-insert card the right way up
Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
Enter PIN
Press “cancel”, and re-enter correct PIN
Enter amount of cash required
Check make-up in rear view mirror
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
Place receipt in back of chequebook
Re-check make-up
Drive forward 2 metres
Reverse back to cash machine
Retrieve card
Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
Restart stalled engine and pull off
Drive for 2 to 3 miles
Release handbrake.