Now if you read anything I say you’ll know that I’m not a fan of banning things but there comes a point where someting has to be done.

Fireworks used to be fun and I’m all for celebrating traditions but over the last few days we’ve been living in what sounds like a Baghdad suburb! We watched a shower of lowlifes throwing fireworks at each other outside the nearest pub for fuck’s sake!

It seems to me that we now have this underclass, call them neds, chavs, whatever you like, who’s main ambition in life is to annoy as many people as possible. They lie, cheat and generally make life a misery for everyone - yet expect the State to keep them housed and fed. We need a change in our priorities here - and soon.

So, it’s time that we stopped the sale of fireworks to the general public and restricted the celebrations to properly organised events run by responsible people.

The same shopkeepers who sell drink to kids are allowed to also sell them fireworks and we’ve already had some serious injuries to kids in Scotland as a result.

There’s a theme developing here isn’t there? Unscrupulous corner shop owners who’ll sell anything to anyone - yet our police don’t seem to be able to do anything about it - well more like can’t be fucking bothered as it would take them out of their lovely comfortable hi-tech cars.

If ever you needed proof that the odious Andy Kerr, our esteemed “Health” Minister, is a total prat then this is it.
He’s been having a rant about Buckfast, that delicious beverage made by monks in Devon and drunk by fucking idiots in West/Central Scotland. I say West/Central because it’s consumption is pretty well limited to the neds that live there. I used to love it when I worked in Oddbins in Aberdeen on big match days - the poor souls coming up for matches just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t buy their beloved “Buckie” anywhere in the City!

“There’s something different about that drink,” says Mr Kerr, calling it “seriously bad”. Of course, he’s not the first politician to have it in for the old Broon Sauce - Cathie Jamieson, so called “Justice” Minister, has previously called for it to be banned.

So we’re back to banning things as a solution to a problem. It’s not the fucking drink that’s the problem you fucking twats it’s the morons who drink it! So you ban Buckfast and suddenly every ned in Scotland signs the pledge…aye, right! How about getting the Polis off their big fat arses and actually do something useful - like arresting the greedy little corner shop owners who sell this pish to kids.

Perhaps you should ban finest Malt Whisky as well as it seems to turn some of your colleagues into arsonists.

God, this lot of comic singers really make my blood boil.

To the Tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen…
With apologies to anyone who’s never been to Glasgow

Is this the real life?
Or is it just methadone?
Stuck in the Gorbals, two bob fur the telephone?
Open yer wine, an’ talk wi’ a whine…like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Um just a weeji
Gie us yer Sunny D

Cos I’ll chib yer pal
Rip yer Da,
Slash yer dug,
Ride yer ma
Any way the Clyde flows, disnae really matter tae me…tae me.

Haw maw, just chibbed some bam
Buckie bottle tae the heid
Noo the stupit bastards deid!
Haw maw, um just oan parole
An noo I’m headin back tae Barlineeeee…

Haw Maw…oohooh ooh
Never meant tae steal yer purse
But if I’m no fu’ o’ smack this time the morra’
Carry oot, carry oot!
An we’ll go oot on the batter!

Too late…the bailiff’s here
Sends shivers doon ma spine
Gubbed 10 jellies just in time
Goodbye all ma muckers, I’ve got tae go
Got to go and rip some stuff fae up the scheme

Haw Maw…oohooh oooh I’m a jakey bam,
I sometimes think I’ve never been washed at all

I see a little silhouetto of a bam
Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us some Kappa?
Thunderbird, White Lightning, Very very Frightening, me!
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair!)
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair and some skins!)
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!

I’m just a fat boy, nae body loves me
He’s just a fat boy fae a fat family!
Spare us a pound for a wee cup o’ tea?

Get stuck in, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
No way…NO I will not get a job Get a job!
No way…NO I will not get a job Get a job…willnae get a job
Get job…willnae get a job no no no no no…
Oh gonorrhoea! Gonorrhoea!
Gonorrhoea and the clap!
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside For me?
For me, For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So you hink ye can slash me an pish in ma eye?
So ye hink ye can chib me an leave me tae die?
Haw baw bag!
Can’t dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I’m oot
Just wait till I’m right oot ma nut!!

Disnae really matter, anyone can see
Disnae really matter…
Disnae really matter…
Tae meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
 eeeeeeeeee…eeeeeeeeee!!!