I was sitting in the supermarket car park today listening to the radio, as you do, when I realised that virtually every woman I saw was HUGE!

What the fuck is going on in our society? It seems to be mostly women (and unfortunately their poor kids) that are grossly overweight. You don’t see that many fat blokes.

Anyway, I’d say that about 80% of the women going into the supermarket were obese - not just pleasantly plump but fucking ginormous!

I watched a documentary recently about blokes who get off by getting their women to be so fat that they’re 100% dependant on them - “feeders”. Well, I don’t know about you but I like my women to have some flesh on the bones but this is ridiculous.

The other theory is that by getting really fat these women are actually avoiding sex - if that’s true then their men need to get their act together!

So ladies throw away the chocolate biscuits and get them off - I can’t think of a more efficient (and fun) way to lose all that excess weight

I don’t know about you, but I have fond memories of the Ice Cream Van. Even growing up in the wilds of the Highlands we occasionally had a visit from the Ice Cream man and it was always a cause of excitement.

Well it’s no surprise then that the fucking politicians and their horde of Health Nazis have turned their attention to the humble, tacky Ice Cream Van.

Under an amendment to the Education and Inspection Bill to be put forward this week, local authorities will be given new powers to stop ice-cream vans from operating near school gates.

Chris Waterman, the executive director of the Confederation of Education and Children’s Services Managers (have you ever heard a more Arty Farty Title in your life?), said ice-cream vans should be restricted.

“There are millions going into healthy food in schools, yet kids are rushing to spend their money on food from mobile vans”

…excuse me but why shouldn’t they?

It’s not the place of politicians to be telling people what to eat and drink.
That responsibility belongs to parents.

How long before Mince n’Tatties gets a Class A rating? Oh shit, it already has!?

So kids buy sweeties and ice cream with their dinner money. Haven’t they always done this?

When I was at school the dinner money was spent on 5 Senior Service and a book of matches!

This is just another example of social engineering by the chattering classes who seem to think that just because they have a fancy university degree that they know best how we should live.

The danger here is that we all get complacent and just accept these assaults on our freedom.

Ice cream and fags today…your eligibility for hospital treatment tomorrow.

Oh yes, you fatties had better look out because pretty soon the NHS will collapse as we know it and those whose illnesses are deemed to be “self-inflicted” will be denied treatment. Don’t believe me? Try calling a GP out at night these days. You’d never have believed the mess we’re currently in 10 years ago.

I just hope the same rules apply to the Hooray Henrys who injure themselves skiing and playing Polo - Oh yea, I forgot, they’ll all be covered by nice private health care, so that’s OK then - keep the doctors in a lucrative little sideline.

When are we going to insist that doctors trained with public money have to work for the public. I’ve no objection to them going private but they should then have to repay some of the cost of their training.

You can bet the lumpen lot in the Scottish Executive, sorry they now want to be called “Scottish Government”, will be eyeing this one with glee.

They’ve given smokers a kicking and I did predict that next on the list would be the fat bastards and here we go with phase one. Stop the kiddies having an ice cream or buying a 10p bag of sweeties.

How about stopping all the violence and crime that seems to go unchecked first!

(US Alert: You probably already know that a fag, in Scotland, is not a gentleman of the confirmed batchelor persuasion but a cigarette)